Well hello there, sunshine! Good to see you back so soon 🙂
I just can’t believe this GORGEOUS weather we’ve been having these last couple of weeks! I feel like I’m in the wrong country, haha! I really hope it carries on…sunshine just makes everything so much more fun! I keep hearing rumours that we are going to be in for one of the hottest summers on record? That would be awesome, as long as it will start after I have given birth or else I will just need to move into someone’s pool until baby’s arrival!!
I am now 23 weeks, only one more week till “V-Day”! Did you know that babies are now deemed viable at 24 weeks and have a chance of survival? That’s basically what V-Day means. To be honest, yes, I will be relieved to reach V-Day, but I CANNOT wait until the actual B-Day! I am terrified of the whole labour and birth thing, and refuse to watch “One born every minute” because of it. I feel like I am counting down to torture day, and it can’t be avoided! BUT on the flip side, that day will be one of the most exciting of my life! I try to imagine what it will be like to meet our daughter and to get to hold her for the first time. I get so excited, it feels like when I was a little girl, the night before Christmas or my birthday, but times a hundred!
Now, I’m actually going to let you into a little secret that might surprise you quite a lot…
I NEVER, EVER wanted children
That’s quite the statement I know, but it’s completely true. Don’t get me wrong, I have always loved and adored children, but I just never wanted my own.
Those of you that know me really well, will know that I used to be THE biggest advocate for living a child-free life! I swore to myself that I would never, ever have children and I made one of my sisters promise that if I ever tell her I am changing my mind, she would have to talk me out of it. Well luckily, she never did, and obviously I changed my view about all this quite some time ago!
I can just imagine the concerned look on your face, your inner psychologist trying to come out and diagnose me! I had actually completely forgotten about this until one of my sisters reminded me and asked me about it. Thanks to her, I decided it was time to do some self-assessment and thought why not let you join me. Time to get out your psychologist glasses, worn on the tip of your nose, and make some space for me on the chaise lounge!
“So, Daisy, what did eventually cause you to change your mind about kids? And why were you so anti-having-children in the first place?”
I think it started way back when…growing up the the 4th oldest in a family, or more appropriately-named a tribe, consisting of 7 girls and 2 boys….it was crazy, chaotic, fun, never boring, adventurous and at times a little overwhelming! Being one of the older ones in such a large family naturally comes with a lot of responsibility. I changed my first nappy when I was 5 and babysat not long after that. During the school holidays I used to put on a “Kids club” to keep the little ones entertained. There was always a guaranteed show for the family at the end of it, which they were forced to endure like it or not! I absolutely loved my siblings to bits but I definitely felt like a mum and by the time I grew up, I was exhausted and in desperate need for some me-time!
So I went travelling to Mexico and it was amazing! I ended up living there for a total of two years, and it was just what I needed to finally learn to live care-free, without too much responsibility and people depending on you!
Shortly after I returned home, I married the most amazing man I had ever met (although it took us forever to just get it together and make that commitment)! I look at him every day and think “wow, I am seriously SO lucky to have landed this one!!” As it turned out, Paul was so perfect for me, he even came complete with his own tribe of a family…5 sisters and 2 brothers! Please don’t faint on me now! Yes, these big families still exist….but the chances that they intertwine is just a bit of humour on God’s part! We were both on the same page about waiting to have kids, Paul’s the second oldest in his family and definitely had his share of babysitting! I was still secretly hoping at this point that we would never get to that stage where Paul would start hinting at us having kids! I certainly wasn’t ever going to bring it up…
“Thanks for all that background info Daisy, but I charge more an hour than you earn a month, so for your sake let me hurry you along….so you were simply exhausted and needed a break from kids? Or, were there more underlying issues?” [Well done readers, you guys are really getting into character! Haha]
Well, there was that reason that I felt like I had already fulfilled my duty as a mum but there were far deeper issues that I needed to face. The main reasons why I didn’t want to have my own kids. Reasons I didn’t want to admit because I didn’t know how I would deal with them once I acknowledged them.
I was scared that I wouldn’t be a good enough mum.
I was scared that I wouldn’t love my kids as much as I had loved my siblings, and the kids I nannied for.
I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to cope with being a mum, that it would all get too much for me and I would end up hurting my kids because of it.
Basically, I was scared that I wasn’t going to do my kids justice, and that I wasn’t meant to be a mum.
I am sure that there are many of us that have had to face these tough questions, but these fears were SO strong and felt so justified that they became truths that I believed. Paul was my rock, as ALWAYS, and he helped me to start seeing the real truth. He helped me to realise that I had the power to change the future. That just because I had witnessed and experienced certain things, I didn’t have to follow the same patterns. I wasn’t alone, we were a team, and together we would help each other and remind each other that it was up to us to choose the destiny we wanted.
Little by little, I realised Paul was right. As I watched families and friends that inspired me, I saw that they too had to make the same choices – whether they realised it or not. Once I started to let the real truth sink in, my walls that I had built up around me to “protect me from facing reality” started to come crumbling down. My heart was free to choose to love without fear.
I knew that I had come a long way, when it was ME that started to suggest that Paul and I start trying for kids. I started to get broody around my friends with their newborn babies. I hadn’t felt broody in like…ever! Paul, who had been so patient and understanding in all of it was thrilled! He did desperately try to keep me from going to baby showers though, because I would always end up coming home after hearing yet more horror stories about births and labour, and tell him, “That’s just added an extra year on until we can start trying!”
Sitting here now with my growing bump getting in the way of my laptop, I can’t even remember what it was like NOT to want my own children and family. I couldn’t feel happier about this little miracle growing inside of me. This little girl has already completely stolen my heart. She deserves a mummy that will never stop loving her, that will be there for her no matter what, that will keep her safe and protected and that will do tons of fun stuff with her…and that’s what she’s going to get 🙂
So now, when parents come up to me and say , “Enjoy your last few months on your own, you won’t sleep again”, or “It is sooooooo tough”, or “You will never stop worrying from here-on in”…I just smile at them politely. Sure, I can appreciate that it won’t always be easy, but Paul and I are about to given the most precious gift and we won’t let anyone take away our joy! These kinds of comments just remind me of the time before Paul and I got married and people would tell us things like, “You will loose your freedom forever”, “Get out while you can..hahaha” It used to really get to me, but I can assure you that it has been the BEST THING I have ever done! Now, I am not having a dig at “those people”, I can understand that they mean well and just want me to be prepared. I get that.
Let’s just try not to take life for granted – our understanding partners, your beautiful children, that upcoming holiday, those incredible friends! Yes, life has its ups and downs, but you get what you focus on, and I, for one, am going to focus on all the amazing things in life!
There. I’m done. You can take the chaise lounge back 🙂 I hope this helps someone else which is why I shared it, and I hope my sister (it’s all your fault! Hehe) appreciates this very, detailed answer!
Do come back next week, I will be back to my funny, light-hearted self 🙂